Downward

As my internship wanes, I am discovering that I am tired of being the "Intern". I either want a job in this profession or just give up the whole idea entirely. It's not because I don't love it--I love EMS so very much, but this....this is wearing on me. Things certainly changed when the whole "situation" with A occurred. My fun times in the ER vanished rather quickly, and try as I might to not allow it to happen, everything changed. Ugh. I realize that whoever is following this blog of mine must think that I'm bi-polar....continual highs and lows. But maybe that's just the wave of the ER---up's and downs and... nothing in between. I just want a paid position now--I guess I'm no longer content in being the observer--I want to interact more with the patients.

By now you should know that most things that are presented to the ER do not phase me. Except for today when someone told me that the cute little girl in the room across the hall was being held on a psych watch for "suicidal ideations". I check her medical history and see that she's been physically and sexually abused. And for the first time since I began my ER journey, I felt something akin to my heart cracking as I thought and pondered who would do this to a child? How? The thought literally depressed me...hurt me--and I don't know why. (Minus the obvious answers)

Her and I wound up spending about an hour together today, and she had moods swings that ranged from sweet to downright mean--telling me I'm stupid because I wouldn't play the games she wanted to. It was a bit funny being reemed by an eight year old. However, once she was coaxed out of her foul mood, we had a good time as she styled my hair and asked me to sing for her--for whatever I do must "come from the heart". By the time I left, she was hugging me, asking me not to leave and just stay with her.

Other than my encounter with this child, nothing of note occurred, but I learned a valuble lesson for the day. This little girl helped me place some things into perspective, and opened my eyes to the fact that my time at the ER hasn't all  been for naught. It's all in the little things.